You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
