Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
