There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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