Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
