If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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