Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
