You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
