Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
