My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
