My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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