i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
