If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
