girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
