you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
