Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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