My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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