Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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