now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
