planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
