I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
