I accidentally burped into my bong.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
