I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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