He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
