just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
