I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
