I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
