i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
