i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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