My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
