Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
