I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
