Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
