I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize