He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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