Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
