omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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