Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
