Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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