onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
