I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
