Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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