did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
