does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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