in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
