i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
