My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
