The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I need to calm my uterus...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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