i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I supernannyed him into submission
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
