I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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