youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So here I am, sexting at work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
