It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
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My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
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Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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