I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
