she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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