The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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